oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
