who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
