i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize