3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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