the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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