Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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