I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
