I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
