Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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