I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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