my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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