I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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