i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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