you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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