oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
