Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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