You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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