im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
