If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
