shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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