um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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