so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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