Pants 0. Shit 1.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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