Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
