Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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