Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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