im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize