Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
