And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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