Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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