Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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