I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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