you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
NoShamevember. You game?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
