That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
