You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
