I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
