So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
