i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
In America we eat man semen.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize