apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think your dad took our porno
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
