Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
