I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
