my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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