Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
