WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
