It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
