So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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