u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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