I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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