last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
