The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
