I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
