so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
