I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
