I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
