Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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