Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
