life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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