I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm passing your future prison.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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