Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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