Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
