What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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