I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
