I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
