You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
