Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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