Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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